Ya know....sometimes I feel as though I just need to scream!!! Not scream just to make noise, not scream like you do when you are play-fighting with your boyfriend....not scream like when someone is tickling you....I mean clear down in the bottom of your gut....scream until your throat hurts....like if something we chasing you or you are in terrible pain.....I just mean SCREAM!!! I need to scream until I can't catch my breath, and I just begin to cry and not ever really know why.
Why do I feel this way you ask..well....it could be a lot of things. It could be the fact that I am scared to death in the uncertainty in my life right now.....it could be that sometime my 5 year drives me nuts.....it could be because I can never seem to find the match to my other shoe, or the mere fact that I want chocolate and there is none in the house. Could it be an ex-husband that never pays child support, or the fact that I cannot finish up my school due to my financial situation. It's a ton of things really, and learning how to cope with it all is really placing a toll on me.
This feeling I have in the pit of my stomach, the thoughts in the back of my mind, are really starting to affect my relationship with others. I am struggling to find some common ground....I am struggling to stay afloat...I just need a breather!
I'm tired of the bills that come ever month...I'm tired of the obligations of being a responsible adult....I'm tired of being tired. I am trying so hard not to cry and be strong, but I feel as though my emotions are going to get the best of me. My stomach is always in knots.....I have anxiety up to wazoo.....I just......."sigh".....I just don't know anymore.
What I do know is that I need to make a change....I can't continue to feel this way....better yet...I cannot continue to ALLOW myself to feel this way. I need to worry about the things in my life that I can change. Baby steps I suppose. Easier said than done I know....but I need to start somewhere right?? I might not end up where I thought I was going, but I will always end up where I am meant to be. Just take a deep breath....and breath.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010
How do u know.....
So.....how do you determine whether or not doing the right thing is really the "right" thing to do??
I mean, all people have a conscience right....well....for sake of argument, we will say most. The point is though, if you are in a situation where the final decision comes down to you, the choice between right or wrong, whether you sink or float, what do you do???
I guess there are some things that must be considered.......
1. Who is being hurt
2. Is it something that is legal or illegal
3.What are the repercussions if you make the wrong decision
4.Can you live with your own conscience
I'm sure there are more things that could factor into this decision-making, but that is just what was off the top of my head. I guess I am just struggling right now trying to decide if the decision I want to make is something that I can live with. I have been sitting here trying to find the silver lining, the gray area....the whatever you wanna call it, but whatever it's name is, it's still a choice I have to make none the less.
I guess to fill you in a bit since you are probably clueless and can't form an accurate opinion.......My boss has made some decisions that aren't necessarily ethical or legal for that matter. This isn't the first time he has made some unwise choices, so this isn't the first time I have crossed this path. The first time I decided to do the right thing and say something about what was going on. Essentially nothing was done about the situation though, and I had some rather uncomfortable moments at work for the next few months. Now, there is a new scenario, and this time, it is worse then the last. Part of me wants to do the "right" thing and let someone know, but because of the outcome previously, part of me just wants to keep my mouth shut!
I feel as though if I just let things go, there wont be any workplace tension, other then the sickening feeling I get in my stomach when I know things are going on that I don't approve of. But then part of me thinks about what would happen if someone else says something and then I get into a lot of trouble because I didn't report it. But then what if I do report it, and I lose my job.......and yes I know, if that were to happen I would be able to sue them, but we all know something like that takes a long time before anyone reaches a settlement, and what if they file bankruptcy because they lose their business....I have a family at home and can't afford to not have a job.
Decisions, decisions, decisions.....what do I do? Sigh :(
I mean, all people have a conscience right....well....for sake of argument, we will say most. The point is though, if you are in a situation where the final decision comes down to you, the choice between right or wrong, whether you sink or float, what do you do???
I guess there are some things that must be considered.......
1. Who is being hurt
2. Is it something that is legal or illegal
3.What are the repercussions if you make the wrong decision
4.Can you live with your own conscience
I'm sure there are more things that could factor into this decision-making, but that is just what was off the top of my head. I guess I am just struggling right now trying to decide if the decision I want to make is something that I can live with. I have been sitting here trying to find the silver lining, the gray area....the whatever you wanna call it, but whatever it's name is, it's still a choice I have to make none the less.
I guess to fill you in a bit since you are probably clueless and can't form an accurate opinion.......My boss has made some decisions that aren't necessarily ethical or legal for that matter. This isn't the first time he has made some unwise choices, so this isn't the first time I have crossed this path. The first time I decided to do the right thing and say something about what was going on. Essentially nothing was done about the situation though, and I had some rather uncomfortable moments at work for the next few months. Now, there is a new scenario, and this time, it is worse then the last. Part of me wants to do the "right" thing and let someone know, but because of the outcome previously, part of me just wants to keep my mouth shut!
I feel as though if I just let things go, there wont be any workplace tension, other then the sickening feeling I get in my stomach when I know things are going on that I don't approve of. But then part of me thinks about what would happen if someone else says something and then I get into a lot of trouble because I didn't report it. But then what if I do report it, and I lose my job.......and yes I know, if that were to happen I would be able to sue them, but we all know something like that takes a long time before anyone reaches a settlement, and what if they file bankruptcy because they lose their business....I have a family at home and can't afford to not have a job.
Decisions, decisions, decisions.....what do I do? Sigh :(
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Life as I once knew it
My mother brought me into this world, but it was my grandmother who raised me. I grew up in a couple states I guess, not really sure why my mother never stayed in one place too long. I remember spending every summer with my grandma in Michigan though and I always loved every second of it.
My mother has always kinda done her own thing. She has always been a free spirit who was always on the go, always looking for the next best thing, and always had her eyes forward. Leaving my grandma and I to fend for ourselves.
My grandma was a fairly predictable woman. She loved animals, she is the hardest worker I know, she went to church every Sunday, and never took the answer "no" for face-value...Im pretty sure she saw it more as a suggestion to bargain. ;)
My grandma grew up in a different time, she went to school in a one-room school house, I went to school in building that was a partial mile from end-to-end. My grandma always told me that "nothing good ever happens after dark".....I always thought that things didn't start until everyone was sleeping. lol. It wasn't really that either person was right or wrong, it was more that we were born in two completely different generations.
Needless to say my high school years were not that pretty, I got myself into some pickles for sure and my grandma was always there to ground me. I couldn't wait to move out and make my own rules...I could stay out late and sleep in the next day, I could come and go as I please. I never looked back or so I thought. I had decided that I was never going to be anything like that mean-hearted person that I thought she was......My how time changes things. :(
Quite a few years have passed since my days of getting into trouble and sneaking out of the house. I have been through a lot over the past few years. A lot of trying times that I would never have gotten through with out the help of my grandma. You see, it took a long time for me to realize that although we were born in different generations, the love of a parent never changes. She may not have liked me all the time and vice-versa, but she loved me more then I could have ever known. As a kid, you don't see things that way, you see parents trying to spoil your fun.
It wasn't until the birth of my daughter that I really really began to understand the love of a parent towards their child. You would do anything for that little creature just to see them smile. You would do anything for that child to never have and hurt or sadness in their life. I always said that I never wanted to be anything like that woman, that I would do things differently, but now I find myself stopping in my tracks, realizing that that the things I say to my kid, they way I discipline is just like my grandma. ;) I've realized as an adult that my grandma had my best interest at heart.
My grandma is my best friend these days, she's my partner in crime and the one person I can always count on. Without her love and guideance I would not be the person I am am today. Without her strength and helping hand to guide me, my life would have turned out so different.
I am a mother, I was a wife, I am a sister, I am an aunt, I am granddaughter, I am independent, I am strong and I don't take "no" for an answer.....It's merely a suggestion to bargain. ;)
My mother has always kinda done her own thing. She has always been a free spirit who was always on the go, always looking for the next best thing, and always had her eyes forward. Leaving my grandma and I to fend for ourselves.
My grandma was a fairly predictable woman. She loved animals, she is the hardest worker I know, she went to church every Sunday, and never took the answer "no" for face-value...Im pretty sure she saw it more as a suggestion to bargain. ;)
My grandma grew up in a different time, she went to school in a one-room school house, I went to school in building that was a partial mile from end-to-end. My grandma always told me that "nothing good ever happens after dark".....I always thought that things didn't start until everyone was sleeping. lol. It wasn't really that either person was right or wrong, it was more that we were born in two completely different generations.
Needless to say my high school years were not that pretty, I got myself into some pickles for sure and my grandma was always there to ground me. I couldn't wait to move out and make my own rules...I could stay out late and sleep in the next day, I could come and go as I please. I never looked back or so I thought. I had decided that I was never going to be anything like that mean-hearted person that I thought she was......My how time changes things. :(
Quite a few years have passed since my days of getting into trouble and sneaking out of the house. I have been through a lot over the past few years. A lot of trying times that I would never have gotten through with out the help of my grandma. You see, it took a long time for me to realize that although we were born in different generations, the love of a parent never changes. She may not have liked me all the time and vice-versa, but she loved me more then I could have ever known. As a kid, you don't see things that way, you see parents trying to spoil your fun.
It wasn't until the birth of my daughter that I really really began to understand the love of a parent towards their child. You would do anything for that little creature just to see them smile. You would do anything for that child to never have and hurt or sadness in their life. I always said that I never wanted to be anything like that woman, that I would do things differently, but now I find myself stopping in my tracks, realizing that that the things I say to my kid, they way I discipline is just like my grandma. ;) I've realized as an adult that my grandma had my best interest at heart.
My grandma is my best friend these days, she's my partner in crime and the one person I can always count on. Without her love and guideance I would not be the person I am am today. Without her strength and helping hand to guide me, my life would have turned out so different.
I am a mother, I was a wife, I am a sister, I am an aunt, I am granddaughter, I am independent, I am strong and I don't take "no" for an answer.....It's merely a suggestion to bargain. ;)
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