Ya know....sometimes I feel as though I just need to scream!!! Not scream just to make noise, not scream like you do when you are play-fighting with your boyfriend....not scream like when someone is tickling you....I mean clear down in the bottom of your gut....scream until your throat hurts....like if something we chasing you or you are in terrible pain.....I just mean SCREAM!!! I need to scream until I can't catch my breath, and I just begin to cry and not ever really know why.
Why do I feel this way you ask..well....it could be a lot of things. It could be the fact that I am scared to death in the uncertainty in my life right now.....it could be that sometime my 5 year drives me nuts.....it could be because I can never seem to find the match to my other shoe, or the mere fact that I want chocolate and there is none in the house. Could it be an ex-husband that never pays child support, or the fact that I cannot finish up my school due to my financial situation. It's a ton of things really, and learning how to cope with it all is really placing a toll on me.
This feeling I have in the pit of my stomach, the thoughts in the back of my mind, are really starting to affect my relationship with others. I am struggling to find some common ground....I am struggling to stay afloat...I just need a breather!
I'm tired of the bills that come ever month...I'm tired of the obligations of being a responsible adult....I'm tired of being tired. I am trying so hard not to cry and be strong, but I feel as though my emotions are going to get the best of me. My stomach is always in knots.....I have anxiety up to wazoo.....I just......."sigh".....I just don't know anymore.
What I do know is that I need to make a change....I can't continue to feel this way....better yet...I cannot continue to ALLOW myself to feel this way. I need to worry about the things in my life that I can change. Baby steps I suppose. Easier said than done I know....but I need to start somewhere right?? I might not end up where I thought I was going, but I will always end up where I am meant to be. Just take a deep breath....and breath.
